Buffet Top Tips

Having recently stayed at a top hotel resort in Mauritius where there was a good local buffet every night, I thought about how I managed to tuck away such gargantuan portions each time. After a night of over-indulgence, I thought about how I’ve been able to capitalise on those eat-all-you-can nights and come out with my money’s worth.

Some people might turn their nose up at the thought of an all-you-can-eat buffet but over the years I have refined a few techniques to ensure I get the most out of it. Most buffet restaurants which I’ve left in my wake are still feeling the after-effects of my one-man-eating-display and I’m pretty sure I’ve been black-listed from most of them: bad for business, they say.

When it comes to buffets, here’s a few do’s and dont’s to bear in mind:

DO chose your eating partners wisely. There’s nothing worse than going with someone who has a soup, a side of salad and then says they’re full. It’s enough to make ME lose my appetite. For the rest of the meal, you’ll feel rushed to finish while your fellow diners wait.

DON’T starve yourself before. It’s a common mistake to think that you’re saving more space for the big eat. As Joey from Friends once put it so eloquently: “The stomach is like a muscle. You have to stretch it”. Having a pint of water (or beer) about an hour before eating will expand your stomach a bit, and then pass quickly leaving a nice bit of space for the larger portions.

DON’T go overboard on liquids. Following on from the last point, the reason why these places offer free drinks is to bloat you DURING the meal. Equally a large bowl of soup right at the start will inhibit the amount you can eat. It’s the buffet equivalent of cock-blocking.

DON’T leave it too late. Aside from being left with the dregs, you’ll also limit your eating time. So arrive nice and early to quite literally make a meal of it.

DO pace yourself. Treat it like a cricket test match, not a limited-overs game. If you swing for the fences too early, you won’t last the whole innings. Take a break if necessary and don’t hesitate to, ahem, “make space” if it helps.

DO watch the carbs. Dr Atkins had a point, although I’m not sure he had all-you-can-eat buffets in mind when developing his diet plan. Pastas, pulses and rice will continue to expand in your stomach so they’re a real game-changer.

DON’T be fooled by the outrageously cheap buffets. If it looks too good to be true it probably is. I recall one place just off Leicester Square in London which was a Chinese buffet restaurant for under 5 pounds. Each dish consisted of sauce and onion. If you were lucky you might be able to fish out one piece of meat.

DON’T take too much of the same thing on the first round. Another schoolboy error which can prematurely end your food-fest. Those nice juicy prawns on the starter counter looked so good that you took an entire plate full, but then you notice a good spread of chacuterie, chicken satay skewers and crispy tempura. And that’s even before you get started on the mains.

DO leave room for dessert. How many times have you been left to watch from the sidelines whilst your fellow diners tuck into rich, chololatey profiteroles or those glistening honey-glazed apples?

DO wash it all down with a good digesitf, like an Armagnac, brandy or ouzo.

And finally...

DO and as say, not as I do! Try as I might to follow the buffet code of conduct, gluttony remains the greatest of the seven deadly sins. I’ve conducted this list not through years of best practice, but through years of learning the hard way!

Happy eating.